My same awesome friend sent me this too:
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries
are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is
not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you
use the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end
you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our
ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say,
"That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something
else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as
it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing
it like your wife
told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then
don't take up sky
diving!
And my FAVORITE.....
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of
your three best
friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Facts to Ponder
FACTS TO PONDER:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services)
Now think about this:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
(Statistics courtesy of FBI)
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUTALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services)
Now think about this:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
(Statistics courtesy of FBI)
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUTALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Little Kids
A friend of mine sent this to me and I had to share it!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and! posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and! posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
This is Robin Williams plan for peace. I find it very ironic. Please Comment!
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available To anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort To become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given To the army. The people who need It most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it..or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer Saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
What do you think?
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available To anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort To become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given To the army. The people who need It most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it..or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer Saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
What do you think?
Genius of Jane Austen
Before my school year began, I promised myself that, among other authors, I was to read all of Jane Austen's novels. I had read Pride and Prejudice first, just as many other young women who had seen the movie with Kiera Knightly, but I wanted more. So I moved next to Sense and Sensibility. It was very well written, full of satire, but part of me felt it to be a watered-down version of Pride and Prejudice. However, as I did some research, I found that Sense and Sensibility took much from Jane's own personal experience.
So I moved on to Northanger Abbey, which became one of my favorite novels of all time. It was one of her earlier works, and the author's prescence was felt heavily, as was the satire. Catherine (the main character) is as naive and simple as myself, and I naturally took to her. I felt for her as she was opened to the world of caprice, to speak with Jane's cynicism. This is one I recommend highly.
Next, I moved on to Emma. She reminded my of my best friend in the way she behaved, and I took to this one as well, though not nearly as strongly. So I moved on to Mansfield Park. I felt the injustice of Fanny's life immensely, and found myself more than once shouting at Edmund for being such a blind prick, but all ends well in the end, of course. I wasn't sure about this one. I liked it, but it frustrated my immensely.
And lastly, I read Persuasion. It was my second favorite. Anne is the person that I would love to be: she is patient, selfless and observant. I started giggling uncontrollably when Frederick overheard her talking of how she never let go of him (although he was the only one who understood this, as it always is). I believe there was jumping up and down involved as well.
I have not read Sanditon, as I cannot find it in the bookstores near me. However, I will continue my search and comment later.
Speaking of comments, DO SO!
So I moved on to Northanger Abbey, which became one of my favorite novels of all time. It was one of her earlier works, and the author's prescence was felt heavily, as was the satire. Catherine (the main character) is as naive and simple as myself, and I naturally took to her. I felt for her as she was opened to the world of caprice, to speak with Jane's cynicism. This is one I recommend highly.
Next, I moved on to Emma. She reminded my of my best friend in the way she behaved, and I took to this one as well, though not nearly as strongly. So I moved on to Mansfield Park. I felt the injustice of Fanny's life immensely, and found myself more than once shouting at Edmund for being such a blind prick, but all ends well in the end, of course. I wasn't sure about this one. I liked it, but it frustrated my immensely.
And lastly, I read Persuasion. It was my second favorite. Anne is the person that I would love to be: she is patient, selfless and observant. I started giggling uncontrollably when Frederick overheard her talking of how she never let go of him (although he was the only one who understood this, as it always is). I believe there was jumping up and down involved as well.
I have not read Sanditon, as I cannot find it in the bookstores near me. However, I will continue my search and comment later.
Speaking of comments, DO SO!
My Top 15 Favorite Things
PLEASE COMMENT!
I'm going to make a list of my favorite things, however superficial they may be.
1) hair straighteners- what would girls like me do without them?
2) DVD's- no rewinding involved, and you can skip to your favorite parts!
3) Xbox- come on, you know it's better than game cube.
4) wireless internet- if I need to explain, then you're a fool.
5) DDR- burning so many calories without really feeling it! (Although it does get you really sweaty)
6) dogs- I'm not going to say something cliche about man's best friend...I'm just putting it out there.
7) musicals- it brings acting, singing and dancing together, and gives you an excuse to join in.
8) actors- they're so much nicer than most people.
9) friends- their so much meaner than most people. But you can be mean too, and never have to say you're sorry.
10) Jane Austen novels- chick novels at their most eloquent, so you read for a few hours, feel sophisticated and satisfied!
11) Disney movies- other than giving us false ideals for hair, skin and body, they let you catch all the things that went over your head when you were seven.
12) coffee- it keeps me functioning
13) my mom- she's the one that I relate to. I love her and I tell her everything. Cliche, isn't it?
14) Church- in all seriousness, I'm myself there.
15) God- I want Him to be the most important thing in my life, but I'm still working on it. Being human sucks.
I'm going to make a list of my favorite things, however superficial they may be.
1) hair straighteners- what would girls like me do without them?
2) DVD's- no rewinding involved, and you can skip to your favorite parts!
3) Xbox- come on, you know it's better than game cube.
4) wireless internet- if I need to explain, then you're a fool.
5) DDR- burning so many calories without really feeling it! (Although it does get you really sweaty)
6) dogs- I'm not going to say something cliche about man's best friend...I'm just putting it out there.
7) musicals- it brings acting, singing and dancing together, and gives you an excuse to join in.
8) actors- they're so much nicer than most people.
9) friends- their so much meaner than most people. But you can be mean too, and never have to say you're sorry.
10) Jane Austen novels- chick novels at their most eloquent, so you read for a few hours, feel sophisticated and satisfied!
11) Disney movies- other than giving us false ideals for hair, skin and body, they let you catch all the things that went over your head when you were seven.
12) coffee- it keeps me functioning
13) my mom- she's the one that I relate to. I love her and I tell her everything. Cliche, isn't it?
14) Church- in all seriousness, I'm myself there.
15) God- I want Him to be the most important thing in my life, but I'm still working on it. Being human sucks.
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